As a baby I hardly slept and I cried substantially more than babies are meant to, but as I was my parent’s first child, they didn't know any different. They knew having child was tiring and hard work, but it wasn't until my brother was born that they realised something wasn't quite right with me, that the sleeplessness, the quirks and the over the top tantrums weren't normal behavior; that was when I was diagnosed with the anxiety disorder, but that was only half of the picture. When I was 6 years old I was diagnosed with A.D.D.
When I got to primary school even though I was considered 'gifted' (a term they use for children with an IQ well and above average) and was found to have the intelligence of an average 20 year old I was unable to pay attention. It wasn't because I was bored like most gifted children find themselves; it was because I was so easily distracted that I couldn't listen long enough to learn along with the other children. By the time I was in grade 6 my reading level and spelling ability was that of a child in grade 3 and I was unable to do any division or multiplication. Even with supportive parents and years of psychiatrist’s appointments I fell through the cracks.
I never really had any friends, I had people that would hang around me, but none that cared about me, or really knew me beyond the tough front that I put on. I couldn’t read other people and when they would try and have a conversation with me I would often space out mid sentence. I became very good at filling in the gaps and reconstructing their sentences with the fragments that my mind blanked out on. I guess the best way to describe it is hearing someone talk, but not understanding that they are forming words only that they are making noises.
I spent all of highschool scraping a pass, or an average grade. I never read any of the prescribed books, did any homework or could listen to the teacher explain a concept which the rest of the year’s work would build on. In V.C.E I went into my exams having never opened a book, and having skipped most classes. I didn’t care, because I know that had I tried and did the work I still would have failed to learn anything. I was just going to wing it and hope for the best because after 6 years guessing the answers they hadn’t made me repeat a year yet.
I got an ENTER score for my V.C.E of 70.61/99.99.
I considered myself the superman of pulling good grades out of my arse.
My first year of uni, I still struggled with reading and couldn't do basic math without the aid of a calculator (some of the more complex things I could manage with the calculator). I was doing a Bachelor of Science in one of the universities in my city that were known for having poor quality students and I only choose to go because I felt like it was what my parents wanted. I didn’t expect good grades, as I knew that all I needed was a pass to get my degree
In the third and final year of my degree I realised what I wanted to do with my life; I wanted to be a microbiologist. That was when it turned around for me, by that stage I knew how I learnt after so many many years of trial and error, of failing and of pretending that it wasn’t because I couldn’t learn like the other kids, it was just because the tests when I was young were wrong and I was a stupid child.
As I was at that time only just getting a credit average by that stage I was able to apply for post-graduate study after finishing my degree.
I'm now in the first year of my Masters in Laboratory Medicine and today I decided I want to do a phD. I want to be the best I can be, I want to achieve that potential that I had when I was a small child, the one that was gifted, the one without A.D.D. I want to achieve something great and I want to show other children, other teenagers, other parents that it is going to be so much hard work and they are going to spend a lot of time questioning themselves and failing but there is hope if their willing to persevere.
I’ve learnt over the years how to trick my brain into letting me study for long periods, sometimes this means sleepless nights so I can get an assignment done because I just can’t sit long enough to do it during the day, it also means that I don’t force myself to lectures, I let myself listen to the recordings when I feel that I’m going to be able to absorb the most information. I’m not strict with myself when it comes to my study, because it’s then that I do poor quality work or I become stressed so that I have those stereotypical violent outbursts that people think of when they hear A.D.D.
I still struggle to read, something that I never expect I’ll be good at. I still cannot to basic math, even my 7 year old cousin is better than I am these days. I am unable to sit through an entire movie and I still struggle to hold a conversation. I know how much this disease has effected my life, I know how much I’ve had to struggle with my education and I know that if I wasn’t such an intelligent child I would never have gotten as far as I have.
This is why I get upset when people throw around the term ‘A.D.D’, this is why I loose all respect for them. They are making my struggle worthless, making it a joke. If it weren't for my A.D.D. I could have been brilliant, one of those kids that aces every test and never seems to really make any effort. Instead I'm me; too old for my years, no close friends and a future that I'm really going to have to fight for.
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